Whether you are an old couple or newly married, there are some basic rules to follow. It is not always easy to put them into practice, but it is important to do so. If you respect them, your marriage will be more solid and you will appreciate even more the good sides of the life to two – pleasure, sex, confidence, affection.
1. Look for love balance.
Boredom, frustration and daily irritations can extinguish the flame between you and it is not by multiplying that you will revive it. On the other hand, you will succeed if you focus on the good sides of your relationship. Here’s how:
On average, twenty positive remarks are needed to compensate for the evil resulting from a single negative comment, a hard look or an impatient “hum”. Therefore, reinforce the positive and moderate the negative. Compliment your wife for her new shoes, your husband for his new blue shirt. Thank her for her participation in the household chores. Call her at her desk to tell her that you think of her (especially, avoid discussing household chores or bad grades of children).
Make sure that your compliments and thanks are sincere and specific: “I know I can always count on you to make my car safe and in perfect working order.” “This tablecloth is very pretty. You always find ways to make our home a pleasant place. “Look at your partner in the eyes when you smile at him or compliment him. Accompany a tender gesture of a happy little sigh.
When we adopt this attitude, we realize that, besides knowing how to irritate her partner, we know how to please her. After all, that’s how the relationship started. We also discover that it is always time to express his affection. When you return in the evening, hold him in your arms and kiss him so that he knows that you are happy to see him. On a rainy Sunday morning, surprise her by bringing her a coffee in bed (and stay to exchange with her). Know how to appreciate his qualities and ignore his defects. To let her know how happy you are to be with her, serve her your best smile when you carry the recycling bin on the curb. Make the resolution to kiss each other for a long time before going to bed. You do lots of little things for your children;
2. Show your affection
Touch helps to release the endorphins “pure happiness” in the one who gives as in the one who receives. Walk arm-in-arm on the way to the grocery store. When you kiss her in the morning, stroke her cheek with your fingertips. Revive these little gestures from your first moments together: a little kiss behind the ear, a hand passed through the hair, and so on. Touch is a complex language and you would gain by enriching your vocabulary.
In the long run, these small physical gestures will cement your love. Now, a united couple can wipe away all storms (and avoid infidelities more easily). To strengthen this bond, start not supporting your soul mate. When external conflicts arise, whenever possible take sides for him, or for her. Keep your secrets for yourself even if your co-workers are spreading confidences. Except urgently, do not let anyone interrupt the moments you spend together. That’s what the voicemail and latch in the bedroom are all about.
Also, make the resolution to spend 30 minutes a day together to talk about everyday things, your goals and your dreams; Avoid discussing domestic tasks or questioning the meaning of your relationship. See this half hour as a moment destined to consolidate your friendship. The results of studies indicate that friendly ties reinforce love and sexual union. Book time for intimate relationships, even if you want to put them on your agenda. What? Plan for sex? If necessary, certainly. Spontaneity is good, but if you need physical affection or love, do not wait until the ideal moment comes.
Do not wait for the opportunity to celebrate your successes. Super Bowl winners, world champions, gold medalists all have one thing in common: when they win, they celebrate. Even small victories deserve to be emphasized. If your marriage is going well, it is in itself a reason to celebrate. Go to dinner at the restaurant where you made your request in marriage or plan a trip out of season in Paris. You deserved it.
3. Keep in mind that no one is perfect.
It is sometimes tempting to hold your spouse responsible for the feelings of anger, disappointment, boredom or stress you feel about your marriage. From there to think that to improve your relationship, it is he who must change, there is only one step.
It is a mistake. When you try to change your spouse, you put him on the defensive and you find yourself in the role of the detestable character. Race results: neither of the two changes nor takes responsibility for his actions, and both are unhappy. Besides, by turning your spouse into a villain, you are unaware of all that is good in him and which is the essence of his person.
The solution is to change yourself. When one recognizes one’s own defects and pays attention to the qualities of the other, magic appears. Optimism returns. The partner feels better because he knows more appreciated and less criticized. And the two members of the couple find the motivation to change so as to give rise to even more joy.
Something that could help you think like this: adopt the Japanese philosophy of wabi sabi, that is, the acceptance of imperfection. The next time your spouse does something you dislike, take a deep breath and repeat in a low voice wabi sabi telling you that his intentions are good even if he does it wrong. Also know how to recognize and name your qualities, for example: “My wife is considerate” or “My husband has humor”.
Finally, make peace with your imperfections. Sometimes we take full responsibility for what is wrong with the couple. In high doses, the guilt paralyzes. Recognize your qualities, name them and illustrate them with examples: “I am affectionate and kind; Yesterday I gave up the last biscuit to leave it to my wife. “” I am honest; I tell him what I really think. ”
4. Give it a go.
Here is the classic advice that experts give to singles who are looking for the ideal partner: be yourself the ideal partner and the one you are looking for will come to you. The same goes for marriage. The happier you are, the better your marriage will be and the better you will manage conflict. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, passing to the decaf or a new pastime will do you good, it will reflect on your relationship, which will only be richer and happier.
In the meantime, recognize it: in the past, you took great care of your hair and were always looking for the sexiest lingerie item in town, but today you are satisfied with a stained tracksuit and Of an old distorted t-shirt. It’s time to revamp your appearance a little. Paint your mane, brush your teeth and put on a new dress. You will love what you see in the mirror, your eyes will only shine more and your gaze will inflame your husband. You know what you have to do next!
5. Show loyalty in your partners.
In a marriage, conflicts are normal, even healthy. It is how to manage them. In a study in Florida, 70% of long-standing couples who were satisfied with their relationship felt that joint problem solving was a key factor; Only 33% of unsatisfied couples mastered this approach. With a good attitude and the right tools, conflicts set the stage for greater intimacy: the possibility of being seen and loved for what one is, accepting in all its beauty the vulnerability of one’s spouse And to strengthen the bonds of marriage, sheltered from resentment and despair.
Above all, avoid criticism, confrontation and animosity, which act like gas on fire. After studying 79 couples for over 10 years, researchers at the University of California discovered that those who divorced early argued long and loudly and were always ready to go on the attack or defend. On the other hand, happy couples avoided criticism, escalation and words such as “never” and “always”.
If a dispute arises, try changing the subject, injecting a dose of humor, showing sympathy or showing your partner that you appreciate it. If it’s lost, take a moment to calm yourself down.
6. Choose the right time and place.
Avoid difficult subjects when you are tired or hungry, situations that can give rise to unpleasant remarks or black thoughts. For the same reason, do not drink alcohol during a dispute. Book it instead to celebrate the return of peace.
Never discuss your marital problems if you are busy with something else. Turn off the TV or computer, hang up the phone and close your magazine. If you are distracted or have to go out, choose another time to chat. One can not resolve a conflict while doing something else.
Also keep in mind that the way you handle these situations does not affect you. If the discussion is likely to go wrong, put an end to it and resume it when the children are not around. When they are, stay respectful and efficient. Studies have shown that children flourish and develop good interpersonal skills when parents solve problems constructively. Conversely, loud voices and cries of helplessness lead to insecurity and behavioral problems.
7. Listen to each other
The best thing you can do to strengthen your relationship is to talk less and listen more. The reproaches, the insults, the criticisms and the intimidation can only lead to the rupture or, at least, to an infernal life. When conservation takes the form of a fight, allow your partner to express his or her feelings. It will always be time to propose a solution or defend yourself. Shake his head, reformulate one of his sentences or simply signal him with a delicate “yes-yes” that you recognize the emotions that lie behind his words. Sometimes, all you need to get closer to the other is to pay attention to what he really has to say.